Jim Shelley is left in the dark
Wednesday's eclipse is a strange event - especially on TV. After all, you can’t actually look at it without being blinded and, even if you could, the net result of it is… darkness, two minutes of cosmic
cloud-covered fun for all the family.
Conveniently arriving right in the middle of the silly season, filling up those dull morning schedules, it has inspired all the channels to go overboard (into orbit). The Sky At Night Countdown To The Eclipse starts on Saturday. After a day of live coverage, including everyone from Patrick Moore to "live link-ups with Zoe Ball and Simon Mayo", the BBC even promises "edited highlights" (blink and you will quite literally miss them).
The BBC boast it has cameras "right across the zone of totality in Cornwall", promising that "even if cloud cover is bad, RAF Hercules will provide the perfect view" - presumably by moving them.
Channel 5 are taking no such chances and have Russell Grant down there ready to stand up and take his shirt off, guaranteeing the sun will be blocked out at least once.
"It is unwise to watch the eclipse reflected in a puddle of water," they warn, "standing on your head, or through a kitchen colander."
As a last resort, Tapehead turned to the Blue Peter Eclipse Special, but emerged none the wiser thanks mostly to presenter Simon Thomas, Konnie Juq, and Kay Hill as Hunky Spice, Asian Spice and Tara Blue-Peter Tomkinson. (Kay/Tara's sunglasses appear to be permanently glued to the top of her head, presumably using sticky-backed plastic.)
"Hello !!!" they all shout, in classic style, before spending the rest of the programme squeaking at the top of their voices, gazing adoringly at whoever's turn it is to read the auto-cue and maniacally patting the poor dog when there is nothing else to do.
It's been 72 years since the last eclipse, but for some reason they choose to explain this by measuring it purely in episodes of Blue Peter.
"We're here to mark an event so rare that it hasn’t happened in the whole 40 years of the programme."
Still, it's hard to expect much from girls like Kay and Konnie who can’t even spell their own name. Their explanation of an eclipse is completely confusing, partly because of he immortal words, "for the purposes of this demonstration, imagine that George The Tortoise is the sun."
The "Blue Peter History Of the 1969 Moon Landing" comes to the blunt conclusion that "astronauts gathered rocks which told the world the moon was lifeless and really old".
None of which inspires confidence for the second part of the programme in which Simon joins Cornwall's Air Ambulance Service. Your heart goes out to the families of Th gravely ill 85-year-old who, instead of the words, "don't worry ! The ambulance is coming !", were told "Blue Peter are on their way !" and then had Simon saying, "now to make a stretcher, we need an old sheet from the airing cupboard and some bamboo cane, which you an probably find in Dad's allotment" while they lay there bleeding to death.
Blue Peter's eclipse expert/dotty professor pops up on Shadow Chasers making exactly the same speech.
"To see the sun disappear in the daytime, it's unreal. It's just so weird…to feel the temperature drop, yeah ? Just, like, lying there and, like, shadows an shit racing across the ground and then it goes, like totally dark" he (basically) enthuses.
For some reason, all the eclipse experts seem to get tremendous gratification from the idea of watching the night birds get so disorientated.
As for Prof Parkinson's statement that the eclipse "really is the most amazing sight you'll ever see in your whole life"…this is, frankly, just inaccurate. Tapehead has seen some sight down at Piccadilly's K Club which would make The Man In The Moon's hair curl. (If the De La Pena sisters are in tow, some men have been known to experience eclipses that last for days.)
Last year, Parkinson and his band of lunar anoraks tuned up to monitor events in Curacao.
"Ladies and gentlemen, we have an eclipse !" he announces to the others - as if he were personally responsible.
Someone puts a Fleetwood Mac instrumental on, and hippies all around him start embracing each other and weeping.
Thank God, you can only conclude eclipses don’t happen very often.
Meanwhile, in an event really worth celebrating, Match of The Day is back.
Shadow Chasers 7.30pm, Sun, BBC1
Blue Peter Eclipse Special 5.10pm, Tue, BBC1
Total Eclipse: Live 9.45am, Wed, BBC1
Total Eclipse: highlights 11.35pm, Wed, BBC1